i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
