Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
