I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
