i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
