watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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