I'm gonna have a badass scar
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
