it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
