I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
