The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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