I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
