So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
