Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
