You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
