Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
