he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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