Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
