How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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