i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
