im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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