he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize