I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
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