I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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