i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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