Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
