i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize