heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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