Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
