I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Acid is not a monday night drug
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
