I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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