She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
