Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
