He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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