at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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