yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
