if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
