So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
