I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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