Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
