I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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