I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Still dying that you shit outside
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
