Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
