Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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