she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize