end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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