Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
