how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
