chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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