We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
