Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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