Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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