The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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