I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
