Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
