my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
