i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
