Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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