Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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