Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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